A Heavy Heart

A Heavy Heart

I am very guarded.

I share on social media, but not usually alot about my personal life. I figure if you know me you know me. But most on here get to know me by reading my blog mainly…so here it goes.

Last week for me was a very confusing week. My heart was very heavy.

I lost a younger cousin to Cancer who was just 27. Although I had not seen him in awhile, I was remembering when he was a baby and a toddler and it just saddened me that this sickness had taken his young life. Thing that bothered me the most was this was now the third cousin on that side of the family that I had kind of grew up with that had passed that was under the age of 35.

Then there was the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

I was familiar with both persons work and like a lot of others, I would have never guessed this.

For some reason, death even when not knowing a person directly is odd for me.

I start questioning the meaning of life. The why’s and the how’s for some reason.

I am not sure what to make of it.

I just feel for each family member who is experiencing loss, whether sudden or expected.

Grief sucks, loss sucks and it hurts.

 

 

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

 

 

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Falling Off The Path

Falling Off The Path

 

At the end of last week, I had sort of a melt down. By Friday, I felt I had accomplished very little and what I had accomplished, I still didn’t feel somehow that it was enough.

I pre-plan, typically every Sunday before the week starts.

Some how last week things were just off.

I like my house to be a certain way so I typically clean up everyday in some form or fashion. Although I have a horrible habit of washing clothes and then throwing them in a pile in my bedroom until they can be folded (Ladies, if you have any suggestions on how to tackle this problem, let me know).

I could easily blame my disorganization and lack of ability to stay on track, on my 4-year old son and my dog. But, I won’t even go there because I am a great multi-tasker!

I can typically have a load of clothes washing or drying, be cooking breakfast, planning for dinner and answering emails or messages at the same time. However, last week I just felt tired mentally.

I mean I only worked on Novel #2, twice last week. (Once, really because the second time I just opened it and looked at the screen for 5 minutes and determined that I wasn’t going to write anything today anyway).

Later, Friday morning after a good 5 attempts to just get something done work wise, I message my husband in frustration and told him that I was feeling overwhelmed and tired.

Because he is the good man that he is, he offered to take care of everything for me this weekend so I could regroup. That evening I ended up with a headache so bad, I went to bed around 7:30 p.m. that night and didn’t get up until nearly 8 a.m. Saturday morning (talk about I wasn’t listening to my body).

I think I was just really mentally exhausted!

I think sometimes, we as women try to do any and everything and in the end, we end up exhausted.

It’s Sunday again, and now that I’ve had a few child-free hours to regroup, I feel ready to conquer whatever life throws me this week.

Have you ever just needed a break?

Let me know down in the comments!

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

What’s Your Story?

What's Your Story_

Everyone has a story.

Some people have many.

Some, not so many depending on how long they have been on this earth and the things they’ve experienced. By now you know I love writing (obviously), but I also enjoy history.

I love listening to other people (who have something interesting to share) and history in general.

No one person’s story is the same as another’s.

As I begin to really dig deep into doing research for my second novel, I am beginning to ask family members and other elders about their stories and lives.

I love reading about history, but it’s something to hear how it really was…not the text book version, and listen to it from a person first hand.

A lot of heritage and stories of our families history is often either left out or untold. A lot of truths are dying and being sent to the grave with those who pass who really have so much to tell.

Usually the fun part about it is, older people have many many stories to tell. If you ask. (Sometimes…)

If you’re around someone 70,80 plus just ask them “what was life like when you were my age..” Most the time they are more than willing to share.

If you have the time that is…you may just learn a few things.

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

Reminiscing on Old Kanye

Reminiscing on Old Kanye (1)

Back in 2003, when “College Dropout” came out I remember it distinctly I was ending the end of my sophomore year at MWSU @ in a little city in Missouri named St. Joseph. Around 4pm, Monday thru Friday I tried to be in my room to watch a show  called “106th & Park” on BET came on everyday about 4pm. They interviewed all the hottest artists.

Prior to the song, “Through The Wire” I wasn’t familiar with who Kanye West was, but oh when I found out I was so in love with his music.

I mean everyone had that CD on campus, whether the original or the burnt CD (sorry yes we were bootlegging with our poor college butts). Before streaming burning CD’s, that’s all we had until I think IPOD’s came out in 2005.

Kanye came in like a force, part of the Roc-A-Fella crew with Jay-Z, so he was automatically alright in my book. Seeing that Jay-Z was one of my favorites for sometime now ever since that MTV Unplugged album I had copped in Chicago on a band trip.

Kanye was so relatable, speaking of struggles of finding your way in the world but often putting a comical spin on it. Kanye had a certain style that was contagious also. He made Polo’s cool again. Remember that?

College Dropout through Late Registration was such and intricate part of my college career…literally the soundtrack to my College Career. (I kept all three albums in rotation on my little MP3 player)

Who can forget the “Broke Phi Broke” sketch on “Late Registration”!

Then when “Graduation” came out around 2007, I had moved on into another part of my life. I had just graduated College. My now husband, then boyfriend where dating and used to ride to that CD so much we had to buy another copy because the first one was so scratched it wouldn’t play good anymore!

You see Kanye West’s earlier body of work was the sound track of so many people’s lives, including ours. Often time we don’t separate an artists work from their personal lives, because that’s how we get to know them is through their work but how they conduct them selves outside of music is also important.

For me, in light of his recent antics I just feel ye’ has  lost his way. Mainly I think the passing of his mother broke him somewhere deep inside…understandable…but sadly he’s never been able to come back to us.

He’s had his outbursts, but that’s typical Kanye isn’t it?

In closing, not only does it hurt me that he’s some how turned his back on his culture in a way, but really once he said “slavery was a choice”, I really felt sympathy for him. His recent releases just make me raise and eyebrow.

Will I ever look at one of my favorite artists in the same way ever again, likely no.

We love you “old” Kanye, and thank you for your body of work pre-808’s & Heartbreaks! We hope you come back to your senses soon!

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

My Worry For Tomorrow’s Generation

My Worry For Tomorrow's Generation

I don’t normally like to voice my opinion on things in the news, but on this one I had to.

When I was in school, I generally felt safe. Aside from the one time someone threatened to fight me, I went to school with no worries that physically I would not be harmed.

I went to schools in the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri.

I guess they call them “urban” schools now, but what ever.

In middle school, I saw a pretty violent fight where this girls head was thrown into a window and her nose bloodied. That was the worst thing I had experienced as far as violence.

We had bomb threats against our school regularly, but no one really thought much of it.

We just assumed it was a student trying to get out of taking a test or a disgruntled parent, whose child had been suspended.

We did fire drills and tornado drills on the regular, but that was it. Now in school, a nephew of ours tells us they have active shooter drills? I guess he’s been having to do this since he started elementary school.

When I was in high school, Columbine occurred somewhere around 1999-2000, when I was a Sophomore. Incidentally, this guy who always wore a trench coat to school all the time, I’m talking way before that incident occurred was asked to stop wearing it. He meant no harm, it was just part of his “Goth” style.

Even after Columbine, I felt safe at school.

We had security guards that we knew, on a first name basis and were often the reason many of the students stayed inline. They made an effort to get to know the students, know about their home life and even maybe lend a dollar or two to those who didn’t have lunch money or wanted to get a snack cake or candy from our student concession stand.

But now, almost 18 years later ( I graduated from high school 2002), violence seems to be the norm sadly.

As a parent, I worry. When I drop my  child off at school will I see them alive again.

Here recently, I read about a girl from Alabama who was shot in class by a student that apparently had nothing to do with her.

Why?

But, then sadly last year here in a suburb of Kansas City called Lee’s Summit a girl took her own life.

I’m not only saddened, I’m sick!

In only a few months my son will be starting school.

What is this sickness in our world?

Is it a problem with the parents or lack there of? Do we blame society? Do we blame laws? Do we blame children individually?

Today, I hear kids are walking out of school here in Kansas City to protest the whole Florida shooting that occurred last month…and this is right of them!

Not writing this for views, but rather to try and express the upset and shame and worry I have for the generation to come.

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig