I Gave Up On Love…More Than Once

I Gave Up On Love...More Than Once

 

In life we have choices…

I mean isn’t that somewhat the point of it all?

Some choices we make are good…others bad.

Sometimes, we end up regretting a choice do we?

Some of us ladies, have decided before to stay in a crappy relationship when you knew it wasn’t going anywhere. On the other hand we may have passed up a really good guy for this crappy relationship.

Sound familiar?

Love is a choice.

Can I say that I have been in that place I’ve just described before, but I’ve also been in a place that after a really bad relationship I didn’t think that I’d ever find anyone to love or love me.

Now that’s a pretty low place to be in.

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I’m not going to re-write my heartbreak stories, because I have already given you a taste of that on the posts I wrote “Heartbreak Sucks Pt.1 & Heartbreak Sucks Pt.2” last year…so check those out so you can get a better understanding of where I’m coming from.

I have a friend who hasn’t even really tried to play “The Game”, but has totally given up on love due to a couple of bad relationships. I mean completely given up at the age of 34. She said she was D-O-N-E.

I have had way more heartbreaks than her and even a few when I got married (I know you want more on this, but it’s a post for another day).

I have been in that exact frame of mind so many times before though.

I am not one of those women who believe that love (particularly, love from a significant other) is the answer to it all.

We all know that it isn’t.

But, even after having my heart broken repetitively, something won’t let me quit!

I just somehow am not one of those that has been broken to the point of ever giving up. Now give up on that person or particular relationship…YES…I’m not cray cray. I mean just give up on love…

No that’s not me!

I believe even if you have been broken to that point, there is a way to repair your heart. Yes, I will say though that time is often the answer and NOT another person.

But, I personally don’t believe in ever giving up on finding true love.

I once gave up…

But, it was when I was least thinking about finding someone, when I was least wanting some companionship that I found someone (well, actually he found me…read Married at 24 series for that story.)

Point being, I CHOSE…although very reluctantly to let go of all those insecurities, other crappy relationships, stigmas other guys had put on me about my weight and personality…

It’s scary to put yourself in a place of vulnerability, to place your heart as well is scary…believe me it is…

Does it take time if you’re not there right now…yes but honey

It’s possible.

Love, is possible.

 

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

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Married at Twenty-Four: Part 3

part 3

 

So… if you read the last post, “Married at Twenty-Four: Part 2” you know that I gave my then husband to be (although I didn’t know it then of course), a second chance and the rest is history.

I’d like to run down a few things for y’all real quick though so you don’t think I’m braggin on this marriage thing’.

I’m not special by any means!

Often when I tell people that I’ve been happily married for the last 8 years, often they first question is “Wow! How old are you?” (I’ve been told I look like a 20 year old, so yes I’m flattered when someone asks!)

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When we got married I was 24 years old and my husband was 25.

Did we think we were too young back then? Not at all. When we look back now though at 33 and 34, we are like WOW we were young.

My husband proposed on Valentine’s Day 2008.

It was actually very unexpected, because I thought I had been given my gift (a diamond necklace) earlier that day, so I was happy.

The proposal was during a candle light dinner at a nice little Italian restaurant.

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In our almost year of dating, I found out that not only did we like a lot of the same stuff, he possessed many of the qualities I had been looking for in a guy. We had become best friends. He wasn’t offended when I talked about my ex’s and other guys I had been with and I wasn’t offended either. We had so much in common, but so much that was different.

He shared with me that he always liked me in school, but didn’t know exactly how to talk to me because he felt that I was OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. Isn’t that crazy?! We had been thinking the same thing!

I see a lot of y’all single women out here, post things on social media. Some seem to have a very skewed perception of what a real loving relationship is and what marriage is.

The best advice I have found that has worked for me is…

A. It’s up to you to be clear on what YOU want. Not drawing a clear line is a dangerous place to hanging out! Setting clear boundaries is necessary.

B. It’s NOT up to YOU. Really when a man will propose is up to HIM. HE has to be ready to commit. (Contrary to popular belief, you can’t make him, you can’t trick him into marriage. Conning someone into what you THINK is a life long commitment is a failure from the beginning.)

We both were what I’d consider very mature though. We had college degrees, our own apartments, own cars, own jobs. We were on the same page as far as where we wanted to go in life and goals.

I think that’s the most important part as well.

Have your own ‘ish together before you get with someone.

If you’re not on the same page..hate to tell you, but it’s most likely not going to work for long.

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At the end of the day, I think how ever you put it together it has to be what works for two as a whole. Not what works for your girlfriends or your sister, but what works for you two as a couple!

Trust me ladies, FOREVER doesn’t seem that long if you are truly with someone who is your friend. We started off as friends. I was very clear on what I wanted and what was acceptable and unacceptable. Is he perfect? By no means! I still have to tell him repetitively that leaving your drawls in the bathroom or leaving the toilet seat up is super annoying after living with this man for over 12 years. You see where I’m going with this?

Has the last 8 years been a cake-walk? Heck no. But, has it been worth it?

Yes!!!

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

 

Married at Twenty-Four: Part 2

Copy of nicolealicia2@gmail.com (1)

So picking back up from my last post, “Married at Twenty-Four: Part 1” I had received a message from a guy I had went to middle and high school with. We were faint acquaintances in school and had once attempted to date, but it never happened. He was a total jock and popular in school. I was honor roll student, who played tennis and was a very devoted band student who sand in the choir at church. Two total opposites.

So in December 2006, when I accepted his email request to meet up (he could have used myspace, but I have no idea why he didn’t) I was skeptical. but so needed to get out of the house and step away from my boring routine of job searching.

After the lunch meet-up (this was not a date). A about I think it was a week later, he called to see what I was up to and if I wanted to go out for drinks that Friday.

It was now January and since graduating I had only been on only 3 interviews, out of the hundreds of resume’s I had been sending. I was just exhausted!

Drinking sounded like a spectacular idea!

He offered to pick me up, soooo it was a DATE!

After a major break-up from my long time boyfriend, followed by a series of crappy relationships in College, I was still not wanting anything serious. I mean I had told myself

I wasn’t going to do this whole dating thing, right?

Riiiggght!

But, I found myself kind of infatuated that this fine guy I had, had a crush on in middle school wanted to date me. After that night, I saw the beginning of a budding friendship! Which was alright with me.

Fast forward to February 13th, 2007.

He had sweetly asked me to be his Valentine and asked me to dinner and a movie on the 14th. I was on my lunch break at work when I saw his name cross my caller id. Ecstatic that he called on my lunch break (we started talking on lunch breaks), I picked up the phone and the conversation went something like this.

Me: “Hello”

Him: “Hey, can you talk? I have some bad news.”

Me: “Okkkaaay? What?”

Him: “My ex-girlfriend is pregnant and I think it might be mine.”

(S***tiest phone convo I know, right?)

Me: “Come again?! You said, you weren’t with her anymore. How did this?

Him: “I had no idea, but I think we should cancel tomorrow.”

Me: ****End Call**** (Yes, I hung up!)

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Pissed off was not even the word, girl!

I had decided to open my heart back up, juuuussst a little and here it was getting stomped on again. I couldn’t believe it!

I had bought him a single gift for Valentine’s Day, of these Lindor Chocolates that he said he really loved. I thought about trashing them but ended up giving them to my Dad to eat. Sadly this hadn’t been the crappiest Valentine’s Day I had thus far in all of dating. (I’ll have to write a post on the #1 crappiest Valentine’s Day!)

Fast forward to May 2007.

After that phone call, not only had I received several voicemails from him. I had been sent flowers also by him which I threw in the trash. He sent me a message to let me know she had lied and blah, blah, blah. I just wasn’t trying to hear it. Not to mention, I had made the mistake of venting to my folks about the whole incident so not only had I put him on Nicole Alicia’s s***t list, they had also (my parent’s opinion/discernment on whom I dated meant alot! They often saw stuff I didn’t and I thank them for that.)

I had been seeing another guy I met at a club (here’s were I should have just left him alone) for only a month or so, and he was supposed to meet me at a local restaurant for dinner. I got there before him and got a table, after 30 minutes I messaged him and got no response so I called and got no response.

Long story short, this a**hole stood me up!

So, after being borderline harassed with 2 or 3 phone calls from my soon to be husband, I gave in (yes, ladies I was caught at a weak point) I was sitting at a restaurant by myself and was thinking about how I had jacked up in other relationships and someone gave me a second chance. I kept thinking maybe I should hear him out…

So I picked up the phone and hit the recall button on my latest voicemail from him…

Want to know what happens next?

Stick around for Part 3 on Friday!

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

 

 

 

Beware Of Cuffing Season

Beware Of Cuffing Season

So it’s been many years since I dated. I’m permanently “cuffed”, happily “cuffed” and have been since May 2009.

Tuesday my post was on, “When Is It Time To Let It Go”.

So, I thought I’d do something a little opposite of Tuesday’s post.

I think it was about, August or so when I saw all these different messages on my timeline about “Cuffing Season”. Now mind you, I have been out the dating game for a minute, but I do remember what it was like. So, I decided to do this exploratory post on this topic.

So when I initially heard about this “cuffing season”, I wondered is this really a thing?

Who knew that loneliness was a seasonal thing?

It seems that it starts when the weather is about to change seasons, I get that much. I don’t blame you single ladies, who doesn’t want to find a “bae” warm and cozy to snuggle up with? Today in Kansas City, it’s 62 degrees, which is still relatively warm but I know cooler temperatures are coming and I love snuggling up with my bae!

So trust me, I understand.

I’m not sure this was an actual thing 10 years ago. But judging from the Tweets and Meme’s I’ve read, this sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I read a tweet the other day that stated that you should keep your intentions clear from the beginning. Well, isn’t this the truth! But, I think that should be the motto in all dating situations.

I already knew when I was dating that I was a different kind of girl. I think I was always looking for long-term relationship. I didn’t really like dating and had a few horror stories I could tell.

But it also just sounds like an excuse to stop messing around and try to find someone nice to stay with for awhile. But ladies, shouldn’t you already be doing this? Perhaps I’m confused on this one.

Boy, dating is complicated these days!

Perhaps that is what is wrong with today’s society. We’re always trying to find the next best thing. This is a little schedule I found from 2014…

schedule

Until next time…be blessed!

Happy “Cuffing Seasons” to all the single ladies out there who are participating. Good Luck!

Maybe I don’t get it, maybe I do…comment below!!!

-Nicole Alicia

When Is It Time To Let It Go?

happy valentine's day

Disclaimer: This is not an advice column! I’m simply sharing my opinion and my experiences.

The main character of my debut novel “Drama University”, Melody is in an on again off again relationship with Xavier. She doesn’t know how to let go or even if she should let the relationship go. With all the other short lived relationships she’s  been in, there have been some clear signs to let things go. But not so much with Xavier. They have history.

Much like my character Melody, I also have had relationships where I just didn’t want to let it go.

It hurts!

Often times there is this uncomfortable grey area. Nothing is defined and you’re feeling vulnerable about the situation. Maybe even insecure.

I get it!

With one particular relationship I was in a long time ago, there were several different periods and breaks we took. However, somehow we kept finding ourselves together again and again.

Ladies, he was handsome! He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a boyfriend, at first. He was very kind, polite and a total gentleman. As time went on though, things changed. The person I had met years before started changing.

Long story, short in the end, I ended up heart broken and resentful that I had been with this person so long. In the beginning after the break up, I was very bitter and angry. He made one last attempt to keep the line of communication open with me, but I shut it down once I found out he was talking to other girls.

Once I got over the anger I felt from the break-up, I was able to learn from what I had experienced.

So here it is…Here are Nicole Alicia’s signs of when it is time to let it go…

If he doesn’t share the same morals and values as you – Differences like this may be cute at first…at first. But, In the end if you aren’t on the same page as to where in life you are spiritually and morally, it won’t work. You can compromise all you want, but often it doesn’t matter.

If you find yourself trying to change him – If you’re trying to make him into something he’s not, good luck girlfriend! Typically how you are at 20, 21 is how you’re going to be…morally. Do not go into a relationship thinking you can “upgrade” him or mold him into what you want him to be. It rarely works! If it does, it’s liable to backfire on you big time.

If you’ve asked him not to do something that really bothers you, but he’s still doing it – typically this mean he doesn’t respect you. Enough said on this one!! Take it how you want. I’ve had both ways. It’s a total difference, when someone who says they love you makes an effort not to do something that you don’t like, versus someone you express you don’t like something and they say you can take a hike ’cause they ain’t changing…believe them if they say it!

Believe me, I know you’re saying it’s not that easy Nicole!

I never said, it was easy. I know things are never this cut and dry when it comes to relationships.

I could write a whole other post on how difficult it was for me to let go in some relationships. For me, the longer I was in a relationship, the longer it was going to take to get over it.

Recognize, some of the signs and then decide, is this really worth it? Trust, I wouldn’t be sharing if it wouldn’t benefit you in the long run!

What do you think? Have you been through this? Do you agree? Disagree?

Comment below!

Love and Peace, until next time…

Nicole Alicia

 

 

 

College 101: Advice From A College Grad

College 101- Advice From A College Grad

Every time back-to-school rolls around, I get a bit nostalgic about my school days. (I know most of you are a few weeks into the semester now.)

As a graduate of MWSU, I can honestly say that College was one of the best times of my life.

Going away from your home to attend school is fun, it’s scary and exciting. Most of you are away from your parents, your siblings, familiarity, living on your own in another strange city. Whether you’re just 45 minutes away from home like I was, or hundreds of miles, it’s away.

College, literally is “A Different World”!

It is a time to get out from under your parents wings and spread your own beautiful wings! At times you may be doubtful of your own abilities, but just remember, “You got this”!

Here are a few things that I thought I’d warn you about, that you may or may not know:

Cafeteria food sucks after awhile, but you’ll get creative! We had a food court and a cafeteria when I was on campus. I’m sure you guys do to. I know I got really tired of the cafeteria and the food court and started cooking in my room. I know you’ll have a microwave. At the end of 4 years, you’ll be amazed at how much you can cook in the microwave. I hope you’re mom hooks you up with some good home cooked meals from time to time like my mom did!

Try to be nice to your roommate, it pays! I had some nightmare College roommate experiences. I am surely praying for you! If it’s a situation you just can’t deal with feel free to talk to your Resident Assistant, they should be able to help! Try not to be rude or mean to each other. A semester is August through December and that’s a long time. Be prepared for bumps in the road. Try to work it out, but if necessary move.

Party, Party, Party!  Partying! I loved to do it! (Still do from time to time) Did I get drunk? Yes. Did I regret it the next morning…OH YES!!! Hangovers suck majorly, but here’s a tip (Gatorade & Aleve) works wonders! Be aware of your limits and always always be safe and have a DD. Look out for one another! (P.S.This is not an encouragement to go out and do these things, just an I know what goes on.)

School is Work! Treat school like a job! Be on time and be prepared. Some classes may be difficult, but don’t sit there and flunk! If it’s the professor you can’t understand after going to 3 periods, drop the class and see if you can take with someone else. If you don’t understand or need clarification ask for help! Most professors have office hours and I’m sure they have on-campus tutoring.

Campus Activities! Oh yeah, get involved on campus! I promise your College experience will be so much more well-rounded and shhhh don’t tell anyone, I said this but it looks really good on your Resume’ also! I didn’t get to pledge the sorority I wanted because the Chapter got suspended, I regret not being able to establish those life long bonds that some of my friends have and connections!

Relationships! Where do I start here…Don’t get in to deep! At 18, 19, 20, 21 you have a lot to learn about the L word and I’m hoping you are aware of the difference between love and lust. You’re a beautiful young lady and I’m sure a lot guys will see that also!

PRAY…A lot! Try and stay in your word! God is with you every step, I’m sure you know! College is hard! It’s a lot going on. Remember to pray often and stay in your word!!!
Lastly, remember what you’re there for…a DegreeEnjoy this time in your life! seriously you’ll never get it back!!!

I’m SUPER excited for you, girl! I know you’re going to do great things!

It’s alot to manage, I do remember.

Time management is key in College! I’ll post on that subject next week.

-Nicole Alicia

5 Reasons Why My College Experience Was NOT An Episode of “A Different World”

My College Experience Was Not An Episode of -A Different World-

As a matter of fact, I don’t know why it would have been because I didn’t attend an HBCU.

I was actually accepted to Lincoln University in Jefferson City, Missouri although my parents quickly crushed any hopes of me traveling that far to attend school. I also thought well what if I could go even further. See I had set my sights on Grambling State University in Louisiana along time ago. I was a band kid back then, with hopes of going to a school with a dope band. My mother quickly explained to me that was too far for her only baby to be going.

Growing up  my favorite sitcoms (and still are my favorite) were Cosby Show, Fresh Prince, Family Matters, Martin, Living Single and A Different World. We watched them together as a family religiously!

I particularly liked, “A Different World” because being the only child and being the oldest grand child I didn’t have anyone else around me who had this type of college experience. My aunt went to Lincoln University in the 80’s and had some stories for me. My mother stayed home and attended UMKC and my father went to NWMSU, but stayed only a year. So I didn’t have much to go off of other than this show.

Plus, Hillman College not only gave the black college experience but it gave the experience of black kids attending college for this first time.

The show “A Different World” was so important to the culture then and now. It covered so many different issues and topics that still important to this day.

So, I’d like to share 5 Reasons Why My College Experience was NOT an episode of            “A Different World”

1. I didn’t go to an HBCU – The University I went to was in the city of St. Joseph, Missouri (whoot, whoot Go Griffons!) which has roughly 45 minutes north of my home in Kansas City, Missouri. Honestly, I was accepted to a few different schools, UCM, Lincoln University and MWSU. MWSU was the most cost effective and my parents felt comfortable enough that if something happened, they could reach me. I ended becoming friends with a few people who went to HBCU’s and because of this, I visited Lincoln Universtiy, Spelman College and Morehouse. So, I did get to briefly experience what that life was like. I don’t feel like I missed out at all.

2. Although I was light skin with “pretty hair”,  I was no Whitley Gilbert– Matter of fact far from it! It was through blessings of Jesus Christ himself, I graduated at all. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth and like many other students I went to school with, how you were going to pay tuition was a struggle from semester to semester. I didn’t even have a car on campus until my junior year. I had worked all summer to fix this hooptie, because the transmission was shot when I bought it.

3. There was no Colonel Taylor or Mr. Gaines I think the one black guy on staff when I started MWSU was a guy by the name of Mr. Karl Bell. He was about the closest thing we had to anybody like that, with wise banter and to keep us in line. He was head of the Black student group on campus and I think he left our school my sophomore year.

4. The guys I dated in college were NOTHING like Dwayne Wayne-Most of them cared academically, but some didn’t. Now that I look back, I think some of them were honestly just there for the girls and the partying. Dwayne Wayne was a borderline genius and I think all those kind of guys were taken or some how we never crossed paths.

5. My roommates where nothing like Kimmy or Julissa– Whew! I could tell you some roommate horror stories! But, I’ll save that for another post. Let’s just say, 1 out of 3 of my roommates was decent. Only one of them was older than me. She was very wise like the character Julissa and did try to steer my clear of trouble. None of them however, was going to school to be a doctor like Kimberly Jones.

My junior year, I went to visit a friend who attended Spelman College in Atlanta, GA. We toured Spelman and the neighboring school Morehouse. It was awesome, to say the least. It was a bit different, but mostly the same from what we experienced on campus in St. Joseph, Missouri. Just with a ton more style and swag! I actually did get to see that famous dorm they cut to and often showed on “A Different World” which was cool as well.

My character Melody Thomas in my upcoming novel, “Drama University” experiences college for herself, but it’s nothing like a sitcom!

Until next week…

-Nicole Alicia

 

Heartbreak Pt. 2

Copy of Heartbreak Sucks Pt.1

Heartbreak happens!

It can end up making you bitter and resentful. Often times you feel like giving up.

I’ve been there!

Why love again? Why even put your heart out there if it’s going to keep getting stomped on, milly wopped, nae nae’d? (P.S.feel free to insert any other current dance move, LOL)

These were questions I asked myself over and over at one point.

I was super fed up of getting let down, disappointed, lied to and cheated on. I had decided that being on my own was fine. Indefinitely! I swore up and down I was going to become the dog version of the “Cat Lady” and live out my life by my lonesome at 21, 22 years old.

Lies, deceit and just two people who are going down two different paths can lead to some pretty painful break ups.

I’ve had my fair share of it all. Some of it I did carry around with me for awhile. The hurt and distrust that I had experienced in a pretty lengthy relationship I was in, seemed to linger.

It’s also a pretty hurtful thing when you had considered that person your friend above all things.

How do you deal you may ask?

Good question! This my friend, is a very difficult one. To tell the truth it’s different for everyone. For me it just took sometime.

It took me years to really truly get over my first love, the breakup and the hurt I had experienced. I blamed myself for a lot of it.

I’m not gonna lie. It left my heart heavily scarred!

You may deal with heartbreak differently than the next young woman.

Relationships are very fickle sometimes, often there are good times and bad. If there is one thing I learned from dating, it’s if the bad outweigh the good, it definitely time to bounce.

What has been your experience with heartbreak? Did it leave a lasting effect on you?

Comment below!

-Nicole Alicia