I Gave Up On Love…More Than Once

I Gave Up On Love...More Than Once

 

In life we have choices…

I mean isn’t that somewhat the point of it all?

Some choices we make are good…others bad.

Sometimes, we end up regretting a choice do we?

Some of us ladies, have decided before to stay in a crappy relationship when you knew it wasn’t going anywhere. On the other hand we may have passed up a really good guy for this crappy relationship.

Sound familiar?

Love is a choice.

Can I say that I have been in that place I’ve just described before, but I’ve also been in a place that after a really bad relationship I didn’t think that I’d ever find anyone to love or love me.

Now that’s a pretty low place to be in.

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I’m not going to re-write my heartbreak stories, because I have already given you a taste of that on the posts I wrote “Heartbreak Sucks Pt.1 & Heartbreak Sucks Pt.2” last year…so check those out so you can get a better understanding of where I’m coming from.

I have a friend who hasn’t even really tried to play “The Game”, but has totally given up on love due to a couple of bad relationships. I mean completely given up at the age of 34. She said she was D-O-N-E.

I have had way more heartbreaks than her and even a few when I got married (I know you want more on this, but it’s a post for another day).

I have been in that exact frame of mind so many times before though.

I am not one of those women who believe that love (particularly, love from a significant other) is the answer to it all.

We all know that it isn’t.

But, even after having my heart broken repetitively, something won’t let me quit!

I just somehow am not one of those that has been broken to the point of ever giving up. Now give up on that person or particular relationship…YES…I’m not cray cray. I mean just give up on love…

No that’s not me!

I believe even if you have been broken to that point, there is a way to repair your heart. Yes, I will say though that time is often the answer and NOT another person.

But, I personally don’t believe in ever giving up on finding true love.

I once gave up…

But, it was when I was least thinking about finding someone, when I was least wanting some companionship that I found someone (well, actually he found me…read Married at 24 series for that story.)

Point being, I CHOSE…although very reluctantly to let go of all those insecurities, other crappy relationships, stigmas other guys had put on me about my weight and personality…

It’s scary to put yourself in a place of vulnerability, to place your heart as well is scary…believe me it is…

Does it take time if you’re not there right now…yes but honey

It’s possible.

Love, is possible.

 

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

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Married at Twenty-Four: Part 3

part 3

 

So… if you read the last post, “Married at Twenty-Four: Part 2” you know that I gave my then husband to be (although I didn’t know it then of course), a second chance and the rest is history.

I’d like to run down a few things for y’all real quick though so you don’t think I’m braggin on this marriage thing’.

I’m not special by any means!

Often when I tell people that I’ve been happily married for the last 8 years, often they first question is “Wow! How old are you?” (I’ve been told I look like a 20 year old, so yes I’m flattered when someone asks!)

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When we got married I was 24 years old and my husband was 25.

Did we think we were too young back then? Not at all. When we look back now though at 33 and 34, we are like WOW we were young.

My husband proposed on Valentine’s Day 2008.

It was actually very unexpected, because I thought I had been given my gift (a diamond necklace) earlier that day, so I was happy.

The proposal was during a candle light dinner at a nice little Italian restaurant.

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In our almost year of dating, I found out that not only did we like a lot of the same stuff, he possessed many of the qualities I had been looking for in a guy. We had become best friends. He wasn’t offended when I talked about my ex’s and other guys I had been with and I wasn’t offended either. We had so much in common, but so much that was different.

He shared with me that he always liked me in school, but didn’t know exactly how to talk to me because he felt that I was OUT OF HIS LEAGUE. Isn’t that crazy?! We had been thinking the same thing!

I see a lot of y’all single women out here, post things on social media. Some seem to have a very skewed perception of what a real loving relationship is and what marriage is.

The best advice I have found that has worked for me is…

A. It’s up to you to be clear on what YOU want. Not drawing a clear line is a dangerous place to hanging out! Setting clear boundaries is necessary.

B. It’s NOT up to YOU. Really when a man will propose is up to HIM. HE has to be ready to commit. (Contrary to popular belief, you can’t make him, you can’t trick him into marriage. Conning someone into what you THINK is a life long commitment is a failure from the beginning.)

We both were what I’d consider very mature though. We had college degrees, our own apartments, own cars, own jobs. We were on the same page as far as where we wanted to go in life and goals.

I think that’s the most important part as well.

Have your own ‘ish together before you get with someone.

If you’re not on the same page..hate to tell you, but it’s most likely not going to work for long.

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At the end of the day, I think how ever you put it together it has to be what works for two as a whole. Not what works for your girlfriends or your sister, but what works for you two as a couple!

Trust me ladies, FOREVER doesn’t seem that long if you are truly with someone who is your friend. We started off as friends. I was very clear on what I wanted and what was acceptable and unacceptable. Is he perfect? By no means! I still have to tell him repetitively that leaving your drawls in the bathroom or leaving the toilet seat up is super annoying after living with this man for over 12 years. You see where I’m going with this?

Has the last 8 years been a cake-walk? Heck no. But, has it been worth it?

Yes!!!

Until next time…

Nicole Alicia sig

 

When Is It Time To Let It Go?

happy valentine's day

Disclaimer: This is not an advice column! I’m simply sharing my opinion and my experiences.

The main character of my debut novel “Drama University”, Melody is in an on again off again relationship with Xavier. She doesn’t know how to let go or even if she should let the relationship go. With all the other short lived relationships she’s  been in, there have been some clear signs to let things go. But not so much with Xavier. They have history.

Much like my character Melody, I also have had relationships where I just didn’t want to let it go.

It hurts!

Often times there is this uncomfortable grey area. Nothing is defined and you’re feeling vulnerable about the situation. Maybe even insecure.

I get it!

With one particular relationship I was in a long time ago, there were several different periods and breaks we took. However, somehow we kept finding ourselves together again and again.

Ladies, he was handsome! He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a boyfriend, at first. He was very kind, polite and a total gentleman. As time went on though, things changed. The person I had met years before started changing.

Long story, short in the end, I ended up heart broken and resentful that I had been with this person so long. In the beginning after the break up, I was very bitter and angry. He made one last attempt to keep the line of communication open with me, but I shut it down once I found out he was talking to other girls.

Once I got over the anger I felt from the break-up, I was able to learn from what I had experienced.

So here it is…Here are Nicole Alicia’s signs of when it is time to let it go…

If he doesn’t share the same morals and values as you – Differences like this may be cute at first…at first. But, In the end if you aren’t on the same page as to where in life you are spiritually and morally, it won’t work. You can compromise all you want, but often it doesn’t matter.

If you find yourself trying to change him – If you’re trying to make him into something he’s not, good luck girlfriend! Typically how you are at 20, 21 is how you’re going to be…morally. Do not go into a relationship thinking you can “upgrade” him or mold him into what you want him to be. It rarely works! If it does, it’s liable to backfire on you big time.

If you’ve asked him not to do something that really bothers you, but he’s still doing it – typically this mean he doesn’t respect you. Enough said on this one!! Take it how you want. I’ve had both ways. It’s a total difference, when someone who says they love you makes an effort not to do something that you don’t like, versus someone you express you don’t like something and they say you can take a hike ’cause they ain’t changing…believe them if they say it!

Believe me, I know you’re saying it’s not that easy Nicole!

I never said, it was easy. I know things are never this cut and dry when it comes to relationships.

I could write a whole other post on how difficult it was for me to let go in some relationships. For me, the longer I was in a relationship, the longer it was going to take to get over it.

Recognize, some of the signs and then decide, is this really worth it? Trust, I wouldn’t be sharing if it wouldn’t benefit you in the long run!

What do you think? Have you been through this? Do you agree? Disagree?

Comment below!

Love and Peace, until next time…

Nicole Alicia

 

 

 

Heartbreak Pt. 2

Copy of Heartbreak Sucks Pt.1

Heartbreak happens!

It can end up making you bitter and resentful. Often times you feel like giving up.

I’ve been there!

Why love again? Why even put your heart out there if it’s going to keep getting stomped on, milly wopped, nae nae’d? (P.S.feel free to insert any other current dance move, LOL)

These were questions I asked myself over and over at one point.

I was super fed up of getting let down, disappointed, lied to and cheated on. I had decided that being on my own was fine. Indefinitely! I swore up and down I was going to become the dog version of the “Cat Lady” and live out my life by my lonesome at 21, 22 years old.

Lies, deceit and just two people who are going down two different paths can lead to some pretty painful break ups.

I’ve had my fair share of it all. Some of it I did carry around with me for awhile. The hurt and distrust that I had experienced in a pretty lengthy relationship I was in, seemed to linger.

It’s also a pretty hurtful thing when you had considered that person your friend above all things.

How do you deal you may ask?

Good question! This my friend, is a very difficult one. To tell the truth it’s different for everyone. For me it just took sometime.

It took me years to really truly get over my first love, the breakup and the hurt I had experienced. I blamed myself for a lot of it.

I’m not gonna lie. It left my heart heavily scarred!

You may deal with heartbreak differently than the next young woman.

Relationships are very fickle sometimes, often there are good times and bad. If there is one thing I learned from dating, it’s if the bad outweigh the good, it definitely time to bounce.

What has been your experience with heartbreak? Did it leave a lasting effect on you?

Comment below!

-Nicole Alicia

 

 

 

Heartbreak Sucks Pt. 1

Heartbreak Sucks Pt.1

Heartbreak is a hard one!

You can experience heartbreak when you loose someone you love, when some one you really like doesn’t really feel the same and in the case of a good relationship gone sour.

Just as young love is so fresh and new and clean and beautiful.

Heartbreak is the total opposite. It can be dirty, raw and down right ugly.

My main character Melody Thomas experiences some serious let downs and heartbreaks in my debut novel “Drama University” set to be released this fall.

Personally, I’ve experienced many different heartbreaks when it comes to dating and relationships. Bad news is, there’s no way of getting around it unfortunately when you’re out there dating though and even in relationships.

When I first had my heart broken by the first guy who I liked and he liked me back (I can’t really call him a boyfriend because back in middle school it was “we went together”). I was so confused. We went to school together and had a great time together this one summer. I mean I really liked this guy.  At the end of 8th grade he broke the news to me that his mom and him were moving and he would be going to a different school. He said he thought it would be best if we just be friends and break up.

So many emotions and thoughts were going through my little 12 year old head.

I thought he really liked me. Why breakup? Did I do something wrong?

 Even as I dated into my 20’s I had the same questions, LOL!

Experiencing your first heartbreak can be quite traumatic.

It can be sudden and most of the time you’re not even going to see it coming. You can try to prepare your heart and your mind for what may come and protect it best you can, but sometimes this is never enough.

As I said in my post last week Hey Young Love, sometimes young love can be the sweetest thing, but can end up turning sour so quickly.

The best way I found to deal with getting my heart break was to do a pity party. Have one, seriously! It’s okay! just don’t stay there. Grab that pint of ice cream, binge on Netflix, don’t come out the house for awhile. Most importantly take care of yourself!

But, after awhile sistah, you have to pick it up and keep moving! You’re way to gorgeous to let all that beauty go to waist moping around! Plus you’ve got things to do right!?

Do be careful about suffering multiple heartbreaks over and over, back to back. It can start to make you very numb.

I’ll stop here for now!

Come back Thursday for Heartbreak Suck Pt. 2 …

Until then, be good!

-Nicole Alicia

 

Hey Young Love

Hey Young Love

Young love sucks! Well, sometime.

Thinking back on it, I always seemed to have a crush on someone who wouldn’t even give me a second look. Ha, they probably didn’t know that I even existed. It’s a challenge for some of us who aren’t necessarily with the “cool” kids. Back then I really thought I was doing something. I understand now, I wasn’t necessarily “very cool” in school. I tried my best to fit in, but what my interests were, were normally was different than most. I liked to read, zone out to music, write stories and poetry. (OK, I admit I was a nerd and still am).

Young love can be so fickle and flaky, so vulnerable.

Everything’s so fresh and new, until one day someone says or does something wrong or decide they just want to date someone else. The next thing, you’re breaking up. Now days, it’s just even more complicated with social media and all. Who wrote what on whose wall and who liked whose pics. I can imagine having social media back in my day in school and boy, that’s an ugly picture!

In the early 2000’s when my character Melody, from my upcoming novel (to be released this fall) is in College, she has a pretty rough time with love. Being able to reach your boyfriend anytime, anywhere by cellphone was just becoming a “thing”.  Back in 2002, dating you had to pick up your house phone and return a call. If they weren’t home, they weren’t home and you had to wait for them to get back home to call.

This might be giving away my age, but it’s true!

In College, Melody is able to feel more comfortable to be herself though. However, dealing with missed calls, a seemingly confused boyfriend and the pressure to continue to be a scholar student in school is a lot. She’s finally came into her looks and all these different young men on campus, are actually taking notice. This is most certainly a distraction. For Melody, this is a whole new world.

Young love is wishy washy, it’s sweet and it can get a bit grimy.

So, moral of the story is don’t sweat it too, too much when that long relationship of 6 weeks doesn’t work out for you. There are other guys out there. I promise!

Heartbreak sucks too! But I think I’ll make this a whole separate topic.

Come back Tuesday for my post on heartbreak.

Have a great weekend you guys!

-Nicole Alicia